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Rather than trying to keep your child smiling every second, you’re better off focusing on helping her become confident, considerate, secure and unspoiled. Your goal shouldn’t be mere happiness, but rather the capacity to feel the full range of human emotion – from contentment to sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration and empathy. A truly happy child is an emotionally well-rounded person who can weather life’s normal ups and downs.
For many parents, a loved child is a happy one, and a happy child is totally gratified at all times – never cries, never wants for anything. So the parent’s way to make sure they are loving their child is to keep him happy all the time. This is a mistake because kids ultimately wind up overindulged. They are set up to want even more toys, more attention, or the immediate granting of their every whim or demand. And since no parent can sustain that pace indefinitely, the child winds up unhappy anyway. It’s natural to think of our children as delicate, easily bruised little fruits of our wombs. But in fact, they’re tough, adaptable creatures who will grow up fine even if we don’t make every moment count or do everything perfectly.” (“What Really Makes Kids Happy”)
Dr. Phil said, “Your child does not have to love you every minute of every day. He’ll get over the disappointment of having heard, ‘no.’ He won’t get over the effects of being spoiled.”
“Several years ago my husband and I served as a Ma and Pa on our stake’s pioneer trek. At one point in the trek they pretended that all the men had been called to the Mormon Battalion and the women had to push the handcarts alone. They had the men line the trail as the women went up the steep hill. The men were not allowed to help. All they could do was to stand on the sidelines and cheer.
As parents, there are many times in our lives when we feel as helpless as the men. We watch our children go through hard times, knowing that we cannot carry the burden for them. All we can do is stand on the sidelines and cheer.
Even if it were possible to shield our children from all sadness, pain and disappointment, it would result in us sending them out into the world totally unprepared to deal with the realities of life. The analogies of artificially helping a baby chick out of the shell or prematurely helping a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis teach us that struggle is a necessary part of life. When we allow our children to experience the full range of human emotions, they develop the strength necessary to cope with the difficulties of adulthood.”- Shannon Williams
What are some of the reasons we spoil our children? Here are few ideas from Bruce Baldwin in his pamphlet, The Cornucopia Kids.
- Giving in as a way to avoid confrontation or rejection. Far too many parents fear a child’s anger or the pouting withdrawal that results if all that is wanted is not given. Once a child senses this vulnerability, he seizes upon it to manipulate and to demand more and more. The parents are punished if they do not give in, so they do.
- Giving things as a substitute for time. Parents may try to reduce their guilt for not spending quality time with their children by indulging them with too many things or too much money. This same guilt may also motivate permissive parenting and lax discipline.
- Giving to compensate for childhood deprivation. “My child is going to have everything I didn’t have growing up” is the byword here. A deprived parent makes sure that a child does not experience the same painful deprivation, and the overdone result is an undisciplined kid.
- To give is easier than to deny. Harried and overworked parents may find that it just takes too much energy to deny their children whatever it is they want. From their position, children learn to nag, to pester, to have temper tantrums and in other ways emotionally harass their parents to wear down their resolve. Everybody loses.
- Giving as a response to community image needs. Keeping up with the Joneses dovetails with your child’s need to have all the “in” things. You give too much in order to conform to the status quo in the neighborhood, but that does not make it right.
David Croley said, “Since so many adults in our wealthy nation have an entitlement fixation, is it any wonder our kids are following suit? When was the last time our children witnessed us ignoring the Joneses and denying ourselves the adult toys of the 21st century? When have they heard Daddy or Mommy say, “Yeah, I could buy that for myself, but I don’t really need it. So I won’t.” Or even, “You know, Mom and I decided to use the money earmarked for our new larger-than-life TV to help the Smiths have a decent Christmas, Want to chip in?”
The best thing parents can spend on their children is time. My parents understood this principle. I have often contemplated what it was that my parents did right that allowed me to not only have a happy childhood, but prepared me for a happy adulthood as well. I’ve concluded that as a child, all of my needs were met and several of my wants –but never at the expense of my needs. Perhaps the problem today is that parents are so busy meeting wants that they fail to meet the basic needs. – Shannon Williams
Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I’ll tell them…
I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home.
I loved you enough to insist you buy a bike with your own money, which we could afford, and you couldn’t.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your hand picked friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your bedroom, a job that would have taken me 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to say, “Yes, you can go to Disney World on Mother’s Day.”
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, disgust, and tears in my eyes.
I loved you enough not to make excuses for your lack of respect or your bad manners.
I loved you enough to admit that I was wrong and ask for your forgiveness.
I loved you enough to ignore “what every other mother” did or said.
I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your own actions, at 6, 10, or 16.
I loved you enough to figure you would lie about the party being chaperoned, but forgave you for it…after discovering I was right.
I loved you enough to shove you off my lap, let go of your hand, be mute to your pleas and insensitive to your demands…so that you had to stand alone.
I loved you enough to accept you for what you are, and not what I wanted you to be.
But most of all, I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.”
(Erma Bombeck)
The Meanest Mother in the World
“We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.
We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers she could read our minds. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn’t let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother, we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other’s property, or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. We never got drunk, took up smoking, stayed out all night, or a million other things, other kids did. Sundays were reserved for church, and we never missed once. We knew better than to ask to spend the night with a friend on Saturdays.
Now that we have left home, we are all God-fearing, educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that’s what is wrong with the world today. It just doesn’t have enough mean moms anymore.”
Source Unknown
“These Things I Wish for You.”
By Paul Harvey
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse.
For my grandchildren, I’d know better.
I’d really like for them to know about hand-me-down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf. I really would.
My cherished grandson, I hope you learn humility by being humiliated and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your bed and mow the lawn and wash the car-and I hope nobody gives you a brand-new car when you are 16. And I hope you have a job by then.
It will be good if at least one time you can see a baby calf born and see your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it is alright to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he’s scared – I hope you’ll let him.
And when you want to see a Disney movie and your kid brother wants to tag along, I hope you take him.
I hope you have to walk uphill with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. And rainy days when you have to hitch a ride…
I hope your driver doesn’t have to drop you two blocks away so you won’t be seen riding with somebody as uncool as your mom.
If you want a slingshot I hope your father teaches you how to make one instead of buy one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books, and when you learn to use those new-fangled computers, you also learn how to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get razzed by friends when you have your first crush on a girl, and that when you talk back to your mother, I hope you learn what Ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on the stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I hope you get sick when some stupid old person blows cigar smoke in your face.
I don’t care if you try beer once, but I hope you won’t like it. And if a friend offers you a joint or any dope, I hope you are smart enough to realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandpa or go fishing with your uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and the joy of holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through a neighbor’s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Christmas time when you give her a plaster of Paris mold of your hand.
These things I wish for you – tough times and disappointment, hard work, and happiness.
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