Motherhood – Discipline

Talks

Quotes

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a child to be loved.” – Thomas S. Monson

“Never get into a power struggle with your child, but if you do – don’t lose! – Dr. Phil McGraw

“Parents that mean business rarely ever have to do business.”

What do mattresses and mothers have in common?  The firmer the better.

“To everything there is a solution…..and sometimes the solution is time.” – Loa Jenkins

With boys, you always know exactly where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane!” – Erma Bombeck

Eleanore Roosevelt once said, “The surest way to make life hard for children is to make it easy for them.”

There are two things every child should learn: Love yourself and deny yourself. Children who never hear the word “no,” will never be able to tell themselves “no.”  Just be sure not to say “no” too often – some parents say it over every little thing – “Don’t touch this.” “Be careful of that.” “Watch out!”  Save it for the things that matter.

Dr. Phil McGraw says, “Find out what your child values – it could be a toy, a particular activity, or even a privilege like getting to stay awake to a particular hour.  If you control the currency, you control the behavior that currency depends on.  Once you understand what you child values, you can withdraw positive things or introduce negative things as a form of discipline.” 

When using positive discipline, here are a few steps to remember:

1. Choose one behavior at a time to correct.  More than that will get confusing.
2. Determine your child’s currency (We had one daughter who would do anything for a marshmallow.)
3. Be careful about using food as a reward, however, so your child doesn’t develop unhealthy attitudes toward food later in life.
4. Have small prizes (stickers) leading to a big prize (trip to the dollar store.)  Children have short attention spans. Sometimes I will make a whole list of their favorite things and assign “points” to each prize.  5 stickers and you get to stay up late, 10 stickers and you get a date with Mom and Dad, etc.  Let them help choose the prizes.
5. Determine an appropriate length of time to continue the program according to their age.  You may need to do back-to-back programs since it usually takes 21 days to develop a new habit.
6. Always try the positive approach first.  If the positive incentive alone doesn’t work, you can try adding a negative incentive if the behavior does not change.  (If you keep your room clean, you get a sticker.  If you don’t keep your room clean, you get an additional chore.) – Shannon Williams

Dr. Phil McGraw said, “Children have a lot of friends who tell them what they want to hear.  They don’t need you to be another friend.  They need you to be an authority figure who lets them know where the boundaries of acceptable behavior are.  Trying to be his or her friend will only undermine your authority as a parent and come back to bite you.

The benefits of consistency are huge.  It allows children to learn clear boundaries so much easier. (When we are inconsistent, it is like trying to make your way through a maze where the walls are constantly changing.) Being consistent helps children establish good habits in two weeks instead of two years.  They feel more secure and their lives are more predictable.  Best of all, you as a parent only have to deal with issues once or twice instead of over and over again. – Shannon Williams

Let me say a few things about credibility.  First of all, don’t ever use the phrase, “Just wait until your father gets home.”  This isn’t fair to a father because it makes him the ogre and makes children not look forward to him coming home from work each day.  He deserves better than that.  Not only that, but it weakens you as a mother and destroys your credibility.  It’s okay to offer each other reinforcements as a couple, but each of you needs enough credibility on your own to discipline your children. – Shannon Williams

Don’t withdraw privileges that you have promised to your child. If you promise them that if they get straight A’s you will give them $50, and they do, don’t withhold the money because they broke another rule.  You’ll lose credibility. Trust is a two way street.

Hearing our behavior expressed in a humorous way brings to light the ineffectiveness of inconsistency.  Setting rules as a parent can be difficult.  Sticking to them is even harder.  We were all taught the rule from our English teacher “I before E except after C.”  Unfortunately, that is not always true.  “I before E….Except when your foreign neighbor Keith received eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.  Weird!”   In fact, according to the internet, only 44 words follow the rule, and 923 words are exceptions to it.   Parenting is the same way.  We must establish clear, consistent rules, but accept the fact that there will be exceptions. – Shannon Williams

Here are a few things I have learned about setting rules. (Shannon Williams)

• The fewer the better. Choose your battles.  Keep it simple.
• Establish a fence and let them run free within the boundaries. Like Joseph Smith said, “Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.”  He didn’t say “And they will govern themselves perfectly.”  They will bounce back and forth between boundaries and eventually will walk a little straighter.  They have free agency.  Aim them in the right direction, establish good habits and you’ve done your job.”  The art of parenting is shifting the weight of responsibility from your shoulders to theirs.
• You as a parent have the right to change the rules at any time. As a young, inexperienced parent, I thought that once I made a rule, it had to stand through the ages.  Not so.  Obviously, you want to be as consistent as you can, but parenting is a learning process, and if you find something that works better, change it. 
• Let your children know that your family rules will be different from other family’s rules. You as a parent have the right to receive inspiration for your family.  Trust your gut and rely on the spirit. When your children see you avoiding peer pressure from your friends, it will give them the courage to avoid peer pressure from their friends. It teaches them that it’s okay to stand alone.
• It’s okay to “Just say no!” You don’t have to give lengthy explanations and argue for hours.  Let them know that you are doing your very best, that everything you do is motivated by love, and that you will always try to do what it in their best interest.  If you make a mistake, you will apologize.

Sometimes punishment isn’t even necessary. Ask yourself “Is my child misbehaving, or is he just bored?” If a child who is 18-24 months starts acting up, put him to work.  Have him sort silverware, scrub the toilet, or dust – he’ll love it!  Or have him watch home movies of himself. Have a special box of items he can play with that you only bring out during certain times of the day – while you’re showering or getting ready in the morning. 

How to get a child to listen. Here are four ideas:

 Connect, then direct.  Before talking to your child, get down to her level and establish eye contact.  Show her how to listen by doing the same when she’s talking. 

Motivate. Give her a reason to do what you want her to do.  For example, say, “After you pick up your toys, you can play outside.”

Keep it brief.  Observe the one or two sentence rule when trying to get little ones to pay attention.  If you ramble, your child will be more likely to tune you out. Present her with simple, nonnegotiable terms: Pull the cat’s tail one more time, and no videos for a week.

Be specific.  Instead of telling your toddler to clean her room, ask her to put her toys into her closet or to pick up her stuffed animals. 

Give her choices. Let her make some decisions, such as choosing between a red shirt and a blue shirt.  With a little patience on your part, your child will soon master the art of listening. (Dr. Sears, Parenting Magazine, December/January 2001)

When disciplining toddlers, the consequence must be immediate.

If a child misbehaves at 2:30, the consequence should take place at 2:31. Do not give lengthy explanations.  The key is “A little less talk and a lot more action.” Simply say, “Uh oh” and immediately take him to time out, or give whatever consequence is warranted.  If a two-year-old bites a sibling, he should be able to predict with 100% accuracy what will happen if he bites.  What does he value most?  Probably attention and social interaction.  Discipline could be a time-out with no social interaction.  If a toddler throws food while eating, he immediately gets taken down from the high chair and the meal is over.  If he acts up in a restaurant or store, he is immediately taken to his car seat in the car.  There must be a direct line from behavior to consequence – do not pass go, do not collect $200. This technique is called bodily placement.  Fortunately their bodies are small and we can literally pick them up and place them where we need them to go. If they misbehave during a fun activity, the activity ends.  If they offend with an object, the object gets taken away.  If you use the same consequence for each misbehavior, the child will learn faster. The more closely related the punishment is to the offense, the faster they will learn. – Shannon Williams

 “If a child’s safety is at risk, it’s okay to spank.  If a toddler runs out into the street, it’s okay to swat him.  If he goes to put his hand on the stove, same thing.  You may want to save the spanking for life-threatening issues. – Loa Jenkins

Recognize that you cannot force a child to eat, drink, sleep, quit crying, or go to the bathroom. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Those are functions only the child can control.  And yet we spend hours as parents trying to do exactly that.  I once saw four adults – two parents and two grandparents trying to get a toddler to eat his dinner.  It was ridiculous.  I thought, “Just enjoy your meal.  He’ll eventually get hungry, even if he has to wait until the next meal.” You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  We can insist that they stay in their crib because we need down time, but we can’t force them to fall asleep.  We can take them to the bathroom regularly, but we can’t make them go. Sometimes we all just need to take a “chill pill” because if these issues because control battles, our children can and probably will use them against us. – Shannon Williams