Talks
Quotes
There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
Two can live as cheap as one but only half as long.
I love being married. When I was single, I got so sick of finishing my own sentences. Comedian Brian Kiley
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.” Bill Cosby
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.” Sam Levenson
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” Rod Stewart
Before becoming somebody’s wife, before becoming somebody’s mother, become somebody!
A difference is not a defect.
If you agree on everything, one of you isn’t necessary.
It takes two people to have a marriage, but only one is necessary to change it. We end up feeling helpless in our marriages because we can’t control our partners. The truth is that we need only learn to control ourselves. As we abandon our attempts to change our mate and instead focus on ourselves, changes surprisingly and predictably occur in the marriage. – Melvyn Kinder and Connell Cowan Husbands and Wives (Clarkson N. Potter)
Brevity may be the soul of wit, but not when someone’s saying, “I love you.” When someone’s saying, “I love you,” he always ought to give a lot of details: Like, Why does he love you? And, How much does he love you? And, When and where did he first begin to love you? Favorable comparisons with all the other women he ever loved are also welcome. And even though he insists it would take forever to count the ways in which he loves you, let him start counting. – Judith Viorst in Redbook
When choosing a marriage partner, remember the carpenter adage – measure twice, cut once.
Your role is not to make your spouse perfect, but to make them happy.
Marriage ought to be a sanctuary, not a briar patch.
Regardless of whom you marry, you will have to spend eternity with yourself.
The only thing worse than being single and lonely is being married and lonely.
Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion – Joe J. Christensen April 95
If you both agree on everything, one of you isn’t necessary.
When someone opens up his/her heart to you, you’re standing on sacred ground.
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. – A. P. Herbert, quoted by Gene Brown in Danbury, conn., News –Times
Marriage won’t turn an unhappy person into a happy person. A happy married person would have been happy as a single person.
How many caring, loving intelligent men does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.
How many men does it take to change the toilet paper roll? We don’t know, it’s never happened.
What is the difference between men and US Government savings bonds? Bonds mature.
How do you know a man is planning for the future? He buys 2 cases of beer.
Choose your love and love your choice.
There is only one thing worse than being alone – wishing you were.
Ask not what your spouse can do for you…….ask what you can do for your spouse – Earl Preston
Start where you are with what you have.
Ask your spouse “How would you rate my relationship with you on a scale of 1-10?” “How can I make it a 10?”
Seek not every quality in one individual. – Confucius
Love is what you’ve been through with somebody. – Quoted by James Thurber in Life
Love, defined by the Lord, elevates, protects, respects, and enriches another.
Young love is a flame – very pretty – often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable. – Henry Ward Beecher
I told you I loved you the day I married you and if I had changed my mind I would have told you. (Not recommended)
Solitudeis a good place to visit, but a poor place to stay. – Josh Billings
There are two kinds of people at parties -those who want to go home early and those who want to be the last ones at the place. The trouble is that they’re usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
When couples argue it often ends in frustration. It’s not because they fail to agree, but because they don’t feel understood and listened to. Conduct it like a presidential debate – 10 minutes each with a 5-minute rebuttal. Use the timer.
When a prophet presides at a meeting, it doesn’t mean that he does everything – he delegates to others, asks someone else to conduct, etc. It is the same with the husband in the home.
Harmony is the result of being different together.
Husband is the head of the home; the wife is the heart of the home
Wives are not silent partners.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin in The Atlantic.
Wives go into marriage with a preconceived “script.” Usually the husband doesn’t get a copy of it, and misses a lot of his lines. – Shannon Williams
Some minds are a lot like cement: all mixed up and permanently set. – Alfred E. Neuman
The most important thing you can bring to a marriage is a cheerful disposition – Emma Smith
The 5 C’s of Finding a Spouse (Shannon Williams)
1. Character – Is this a good person? Can I trust them?
2. Compatibility – Is this a good person for me? Do they motivate me to be better? Do we bring out the best in each other? Do we have similar backgrounds? Are we headed in the same direction for the future?
3. Chemistry – Either it’s there or it’s not – don’t let it ruin your self esteem.
Pace your physical relationship so that the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual areas will all mature at the same time.
4. Clock – Give it time. The more baggage you have, the longer you’ll need to date.
5. Confirmation – After you’ve studied it out in your heart and mind and done your homework, ask for a confirmation. It doesn’t replace other four steps.
Advice for women:
Treat your husband as an adult, not a child
Don’t put words in his mouth or thoughts in his mind – ask questions
Since mind reading is impossible, give each other as much information as possible
Recognize that there are distinct differences between men and women. Don’t expect him to think like your girlfriends
Don’t have preconceived scripts
Positive reinforcement is more effective than negative reinforcement
Get a life – don’t depend on your husband for all of your self-esteem or entertainment
Don’t compete with your husband – remember that you’re on the same team.
Direct communication is better than subtle hints
Be a source of unconditional love and acceptance
Choose your battles
It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight.
Reasons men marry; it’s the tender moments that a woman creates in the life of a man that he cannot create for himself.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then” – Katharine Hepburn
If you’re bored, it’s because you’re boring.
Seek to understand, not to change your spouse.
Marry them “as is” with no thought of changing them.
What would it be like to be married to me?
Marriage is not so much in finding the right person as it is becoming the right person.
Together is a wonderful place to be.
Dear Ann Landers: A while back, you asked your readers who have been married a long time to write and tell you what it was that made their marriages last. Well, here’s my contribution: My bride and I will both be 76 years old in August. Our formula is as follows: dining out and dancing twice a week – without fail. She goes on Tuesday, and I go on Thursday.
One woman confiding to another “I don’t want a perfect man, just one with faults I like” – Betty Ortiz
One of the reasons we have so many divorces is that people don’t approach marriage with integrity. Once you get married, you must have the strength to say, “This is a commitment I’m going to keep whether I feel like it or not.” A lot of people say if you don’t love your husband or wife anymore, you should get divorced. Well, not loving somebody anymore is an excuse for breaking up if you’re a boyfriend or girlfriend. But marriage implies something stronger.
Never try to make anyone like yourself. You know and God knows that one of you is enough. Emerson
If a woman thinks, “I should have married my old boyfriend” she needs to realize that his wife is wishing she had married her old boyfriend too. – Jean Benson
He met his wife at a travel bureau
And they began to court.
She was looking for a vacation
And he was the last resort.
– Lorene Workman in Modern Maturity
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, “Many years ago we made a promise to each other; the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.”
I’m not okay, and you’re not okay, and that’s okay – Alcoholics Anonymous
Get the magnifying glass out of your marriage! We shouldn’t sweep anything under the rug, but we shouldn’t nick pick everything either.
Interesting title: “How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love.” – Judith Sills
The problem in this church is that you get married for a long time.
We should take as few problems to the altar as possible because there are plenty that come afterwards. Mark E. Peterson
“A happy marriage is one where the needs of the husband and the needs of the wife are met.” Dr. Phil
Be able to articulate your needs. “There comes a time when you have to stop whining and start asking for what you need.” – Dr. Phil
It is in your best interest to make sure your partner’s needs are met. A happy spouse is a good spouse.
It’s amazing what a day or two alone will do for parents. A husband and wife can look at each other and say, ”Hey! I remember you. You used to be fun!” – Jean Benson
Picture a triangle with Heavenly Father at the top, husband and wife on each corner of bottom. The closer we each get to the Lord, the closer we will be to our spouse.
Brothers, are you treating your wife as a daughter of God? How much do you honor her? She is entrusted to you by God. She’s your friend, lover, neighbor, sister, and daughter of God. Of all the people in the world, your wife is your closest neighbor. Yoshihiko Kikuchi
You know you’re LDS if 1) You go to RS and teacher apologizes for not having a centerpiece or 2) You go to Elders quorum and the teacher apologizes for not having a lesson.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at times were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as “she.” On of the students raised their hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, and females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give three or four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
- As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
- Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
What It Really Means
“It’s a guy thing” really means…”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it.”
“It would take too long to explain.” really means, “I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately” really means, “The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“Take a break, honey” really means…”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.” really means, “I forgot our anniversary again.”
“It’s a really good movie” really means, “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
Regular temple attendance is the closest you’ll ever come to marriage insurance. – Cindy Williams
American Bar Association estimates that 89% of divorces can be traced to quarrels over money.
“A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” Zsa Zsa Gabor
Speak when you are angry and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.
Marriage advice from John Gray in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus:
“Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.” (Gray pg. 10)
“Women need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They need gradually to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.” (Gray pg. 69)
“When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished. Empathy, understanding, validation, and compassion go a long way to assist her in becoming more receptive and appreciative of his support. Men don’t realize this because their instincts tell them it’s best to be alone when they are upset. When she is upset, out of respect he will leave her alone, or if he stays he makes matters worse by trying to solve her problems. He does not instinctively realize how very important closeness, intimacy, and sharing are to her. What she needs most is just someone to listen.” (Gray pg. 47-48)
Women also need to remember that when talking to a man, the fewer words the better. The easier you make it for you husband, the more likely he is to listen to you. Start each conversation with “This is not your fault” “You don’t have to solve the problem” and be concise.
“Women need to understand that when he is silent, he is saying, “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.” Instead what they hear is “I am not responding to you because I don’t care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have said to me is not important and therefore I am not responding.”
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn’t want to talk to a person because she didn’t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!” (Gray pg. 67-68)
“The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus. No matter how much he resists her help, she persists – waiting for any opportunity to help him or tell him what to do. She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance. (Gray pg. 15) For women, it is a sign of caring to give advice and suggestions. Women firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things. When they care about someone, they freely point out what can be improved and suggest how to do it. Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.” (Gray pg. 19)
“Men are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it. The instinct is to leave it alone if it is working. “Don’t fix it unless it is broken” is a common expression. When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.” (Gray pg. 19-20)
“A woman thrives when she feels adored and special. A man fulfills her need to be loved in this way when he makes her feelings and needs more important than his other interests – like work, study, and recreation. When a woman feels that she is number one in his life then, quite easily, she admires him.” (Gray pg. 135-136) If this all sounds complicated, just make her feel “special” and she will worship the ground you walk on.
“Women make the mistake of thinking they don’t have to ask for support. Because they intuitively feel the needs of others and give whatever they can, they mistakenly expect men to do the same. When a woman is in love, she instinctively offers her love. With great delight and enthusiasm, she looks for ways to offer her support. The more she loves someone, the more motivated she is to offer her love. In a woman’s world, everyone automatically gives support, so there is no reason to ask for it. In fact, not needing to ask is one of the ways they show their love for one another. For women, their motto is “Love is never having to ask!”
Because this is her reference point, she assumes that if her partner loves her, he will offer his support and she won’t have to ask. She may even purposefully not ask as a test to see if he really loves her. To pass the test, she requires that he anticipate her needs and offer his unsolicited support!
This approach to relationships with men doesn’t work. For men, if you want support you simply have to ask for it.” (Gray, pg. 245-247)
As you become aware of the differences between men and women, it is important to remember this: Don’t give what you want to receive, give what your partner needs to receive. class=Section2>
Thoughts from First Comes Love by Brinley and Ogletree:
In an eternal marriage, the thought of ending what began with a covenant between God and each other simply has little place. When challenges come and our individual weaknesses are revealed, the remedy is to repent, improve, and apologize, not to separate to divorce. When we make covenants with the Lord and our eternal companion, we should do everything in our power to honor the terms (‘Union of Love and Understanding,” Ensign, Oct. 1994,51). Quoted in (First Comes Love – Brinley/Ogletree pg. 20)
Having an eternal perspective in marriage means we are in this relationship for the long haul, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. We keep our covenants-no matter what. We do not look for “easy outs” or “exits” when times get tough. Marriage is the most important thing a Latter-day Saint will ever do, and keeping our sacred promises and covenants that we make with God and our spouse is the most crucial aspect of our lives. Therefore, being the right person after the marriage ceremony is just as critical as finding the right person prior to the ceremony.
When we marry in the temple, we are not merely uniting two people together to share a house, food, and a last name. We are creating eternal families.
Pg 45
We all are subject to mortal diseases and health factors beyond our control. Our love for each other should not be affected by things that happen to us naturally or accidentally. But there are many things that we do have influence over-and our eating and health habits are two of them.
President Boyd K. Packer explained how a man and woman are together in a temple sealing:
No man receives the fulness of the priesthood without a woman at his side. For no man, the Prophet said, can obtain the fulness of the priesthood outside the temple of the Lord. And she is there beside him in that sacred place. She shares in all that he receives. The man and the woman individually receive the ordinances encompassed in the endowment. But the man cannot ascend to the highest ordinances-the sealing ordinances-without her at his side.
No man achieves the supernal exalting status of worthy fatherhood except as a gift from his wife. In the home and in the Church, sisters should be esteemed for their very nature (“The Relief Society,” Ensign, May 1998,73; emphasis added).
First comes Love – Brinley pg 121-126
‘1t isn’t that we can’t or don’t know how to communicate with others as much as it is that we don’t feel like risking our deep-down feelings with someone who is likely to stomp on them. It is never enjoyable to approach a parent, spouse, or colleague who is domineering, overwhelming, always right, angry, came from the “true-family, ” has all of the answers, is smothering, critical sarcastic, puts you down, disagrees, or is negative. The inability to risk at personal and validating levels of communication leads to a shallow relationship or one that cannot last. “1
Levels of Communication
Human beings communicate at three basic levels that we will label here as superficial, personal, and validating. Let’s discuss them in that order.
1. Superficial Level This is the level of communication that we use most often with others throughout the course of a day. Perhaps ninety-five percent of our daily communication occurs at this level. It is the level we use in normal conversations. It is a relatively safe, nonargumentative, information- processing level where we exchange information, ideas, observations, and comments with each other. This surface conversation is usually light in nature, descriptive, and where we discuss events and observations without much personal risk on our part.
2. Personal Level- The second level of communication involves more risk on our part. It requires us to go beyond a superficial level of exchange to a deeper level of thought and feeling. Here we risk more of ourselves as we put our personal ideas and thoughts on line for inspection by others who may or may not agree with us. We do not want to be embarrassed or have our ideas rejected or seriously ridiculed, even by friends. We want our personal views to be treated gently and with respect by others, even if they see things differently than we do. We guard against emotional hurt. Thoughts and feelings about topics such as religion, politics, or philosophical positions may be of such a nature that we are hesitant to openly expose our views to others if we are unsure of their reaction. A personal level of communication is crucial in courtship because that is when we share opinions, beliefs, and learn about human sensitivity levels. It is how we determine, to some extent, our compatibility.
3. Validation Level: This level of communication involves positive messages between individuals that convey worth, value, appreciation, and acceptance. This level of communication, by definition, is always positive and may be either verbal or nonverbal. “Wow, you look stunning in that outfit,” is a verbal validation, while a wink, a glance of approval, a thumbs-up signal, or a kind touch, all convey positive messages in nonverbal ways. “I love being your fiance.” “I’m so glad we met. I feel like we are developing a fun relationship.” “I love the way you take charge and solve problems.” These are validating verbal statements. A squeeze of the hand, an arm around each other, an expression known only to the two of you, convey positive meanings in a nonverbal way.
Validation generally involves more risk than either a personal or superficial level of communication, because there is always the fear of rejection. As human beings, we are somewhat fragile and sensitive to how others react when we express our ideas and feelings.
Couples who exchange validation will find their relationship moving to a deeper level of emotional attachment. Validation leads to the generation of positive feelings, further commitment, courtship, and, of course, marriage. In fact, happily married couples, almost by definition, are those who find it easy to share their deepest feelings, to risk positive thoughts and ideas easily, while couples who struggle in marriage generally find it difficult to be genuine and compli- mentary.
To build a healthy, vibrant, affectionate relationship with another human being, personal and validating communication must be exchanged. A relationship that cannot rise above a superficial level of communication will not develop into a healthy, vibrant relationship, where feelings and positive emotions are created and sustained.
– First Comes Love – Brinley – pg 138
One of the great myths in marriage is that disagreements, quarrels, and contention only occur in bad marriages. This simply is not true. Disagreements, quarrels, and contention are present in all marriages. In fact, our experience has taught us that couples who divorce do not have any more problems than those who stay married. In other words, couples who stay together have as many problems as those who terminate their marriages; but the couples who stay together simply place a higher value on their commitment to each other and have a great desire to work through their problems.
First Comes Love – Brinley – pg 142-3
The Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists (AMCAP) reported on the most common problems facing newly married couples. The therapists ranked unrealistic expectations about marriage or spouse as the number one problem facing LDS couples entering marriage (71 %), followed by communication (69%), money management/ finances (58%), decision making/problem solving (54%), power struggles (53%), and sex (50%).!
First comes Love- Brinley pg 153
Let your partner talk for five uninterrupted minutes while you just listen. When they are finished, take your turn. If things get really out of hand, write each other a letter – not a bad thing to do regularly anyway.
Most newlyweds should realize that more money will not solve their problems. We often assume that if we had just a few thousand dollars more each year, our financial troubles would vanish. Many are surprised to find that couples earning two hundred thousand dollars or more are sometimes among those who have the greatest money problems, simply because they haven’t yet learned to manage their income. No amount of money will suffice if husband and wife have an inadequate means of handling it. Successful couples of lesser means are those who have learned to manage what they do have-and they are much happier than those who have or earn vast amounts of money and yet are inept managers (Just for Newlyweds [1992],64-65).
Exercise self-control. One of the most common mistakes young couples make is overspending. Often, newly married couples want to furnish their apartments with all of the “gadgets” their parents have-computers, big screen TVs, Palm Pilots, DVDs, CD players, new cars and appliances. As instructors of college-age students, we are always amazed at what kinds of cars our students drive. Some wheel around in vehicles costing $30,000 or more. Perhaps parents are providing these vehicles for their college-age children (which could be another book altogether). If these students are in debt for these vehicles, it could become a financial albatross around their necks. Young couples should recognize that it would be unwise to think that they can maintain the same spending patterns and lifestyles to which they were accus- tomed as part of their parent’s family. Married couples manifest a level of maturity when they consider the needs of their spouse and family members before their own.
End of Quotes from First Comes Love by Brinley/Ogletree
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